BP Creative Writing: Super Stiles
A tale of an Intrepid English teacher and his quest for justice.
by Bp Staff Writer Brendan Curtin and Owen Park
December 11, 2007
Some People say we are surrounded by heroes, and others say there’s a hero in all of us; however, there’s only one hero worth telling about. That hero is one who all can remember very well. He was Super Stiles- the bold, roguish, and intelligent masked crime fighter who fought for everything just and cheese covered. Clad in a polo shirt stretched taunt across his muscular frame, with a cape made of crosswords, and a double “S” emblem on his chest, he patrolled the night nabbing crooks in the name of justice.
The epic tale starts when our hero was just an ordinary English teacher at the small school of Berkshire High. With the school day at a close he strolled out to his Blazer and headed off to his night job sipping on a 16 oz. diet coke. A few hours later Mr. Stiles pulled into the “Malo Queso Cheese Factory” parking lot where he worked the late shift. He went inside, and after signing in he went to his locker and changed into his uniform. His job was to test the cheese’s acidity to make sure it was ok to sell in stores. At the present moment he was working on a vat of melted sharp cheddar. After running a few tests, he deemed the vat too acidic and went to dump it out. Little did he know however, that the vat had been exposed to copious amounts of radiation from the nuclear power plant next door. On his way out back to dump the below average brew of cheese, he slipped on a piece of Gorgonzola and toppled headfirst into the radioactive cheddar. As he fell he hit his head, and laid unconscious in the cheese.
He was discovered by the morning shift the next day still unconscious and marinating in the cheese. Unbeknownst to everyone, his body had absorbed noxious amounts of radioactive cheddar. He appeared to be alright though, and after a brief stay at the hospital he was discharged. Upon his return to his classroom, he soon realized that he could solve cryptograms and crossword puzzles in seconds! They were like child’s play to him. He also realized that his strength had been enhanced, and he could consume triple his normal intake of cheese and diet coke. The radioactive cheese seemed to have further developed certain attributes of his; like his incredible strength, love for English literature, addiction to diet coke, and attachment to cheese.
Soon he realized the true potential of his powers and decided to become a super hero. He went home that evening and made a cape out of his only true love; crosswords. Then, he designed an emblem for his chest and made a black mask out of some cloth. He stepped back to admire his work and declared himself satisfied. The following night he took a bag out of the back of his Blazer, and with a quick look around, donned his costume. Then, he slipped into the night, a mere phantom amongst the shadows of Burton. Stealthily and with the utmost secrecy he patrolled the village of Burton, silently daring any wrong-doer to show himself. It was not long before he saw suspicious movement in the restaurant they called “Belle’s.” He made his way towards the building with all haste and quickly took stock of the situation. It was just one man, and he was at the front desk struggling with the cash register. Super Stiles entered swiftly through the window in which the burglar had entered and without making a sound, walked up behind the man and laid his hand on the man’s shoulder. The man was so startled he would have jumped through the roof, had our hero’s hand not been applying so much force onto the man’s shoulder via his football sized biceps. Super Stiles then turned the man around and lifted him off the ground by his collar until they were face to face. “You do realize that what your doing is against the law don’t you?” growled Mr. Stiles. The man hung petrified, and was only capable of making one movement…grabbing the gun from his pocket and pointing it at Mr. Stiles. Mr. Stiles hesitated. Although the case was argued by some, he was not bullet proof. This hesitation gave the criminal time to squirm free, but Super Stiles was super quick, and he caught the man and threw him across the restaurant. The man crashed through tables and chairs and broke a window, making quite a mess of the place. Mr. Stiles paced over to the man and tied up the unconscious form. Then he left, pausing only at the window to hang up the essay that had fallen down. Just as quickly as he had arrived, he disappeared. When the police came the next day, they found a small slip of paper in the crook’s pocket. It was Super Stiles’ calling card, and it had three simple words scrawled across it; Sweet Fancy Moses.
Over the next few weeks, crime in the small town of Burton dropped to almost zero. However, there was still someone brave enough to commit crimes and risk facing Super Stiles, and Mr. Stiles was determined to find out whom. Mr. Stiles did not have to wait long. In fact, that week, while on one of his midnight patrols he saw someone in the local gas station. A crafty smile crossed his lips as he made his way to the gas station. He could barely wait to set eyes on his final adversary, but when he reached the gas station window he saw not just one man, but half a dozen. Mr. Stiles circled around back, and went in through the back door. He silently approached the group of men and leaned nonchalantly on a rack of chips. “So you’re trying the old safety in numbers trick then huh?” said Mr. Stiles. The men whirled around, not appearing to be at all surprised to find him there. “No,” replied one of the crooks, “we’re trying the big bang theory.” And with that, he pulled a grenade out of his pocket and threw it on the ground. The six men dove behind the checkout counter, but Mr. Stiles didn’t move quickly enough. His huge frame was thrown backwards from the explosion and he crashed into the refrigerated aisle, spilling the drinks. Suddenly, Super Stiles felt his powers draining away. He looked up and to his dismay, saw a rack of diet Pepsi gushing all over him. He realized that being such a lover of diet coke, diet Pepsi was acting as his kryptonite! He staggered onto his feet, his only option to flee.
Back at home, Mr. Stiles sat recovering, slowly regaining his strength with numerous bottles of diet coke and handfuls of cheese. Then, there was a knock at his front door. He got up and as he opened the door, six men burst in. They were the burglars from the gas station back to finish him off, and they all had cans of diet Pepsi in their hands. Before he could react, they doused him with the diet Pepsi and knocked him out.
Mr. Stiles awoke a few hours later, with his arms bound, and his legs tied to large crate of diet Pepsi. He did not know where he was, but it appeared as if he were in a large factory. The six men were circled around him, and with a nod to each other, they picked Mr. Stiles up and tossed him over the edge of the platform they had been standing on. Mr. Stiles fell down for several seconds before he landed in a huge tank of liquid with a splash. Mr. Stiles sank to the bottom almost immediately, and just when he thought it was all over, he tasted the liquid…It was Diet Coke! Not knowing the source of his power, the men had foolishly thrown him into a large tank of Diet Coke in an attempt to kill him. Without wasting time, Mr. Stiles began drinking. Within a matter of seconds, he could feel his power enveloping his body once more. His superhuman hormones surged through his pituitary glands as his super powers coursed anew through his veins. He tore apart the ropes that bound him as if they were crepe paper, and he swam to the surface. He was mighty once more. He escaped the Coke factory and after tracking down the six men and turning them over to the law, lived to fight crime another day.
The End
